I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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