well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
What drink are we having for lunch?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
