Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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