I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
