Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
That reminds me...we need to get swords
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
