ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
