So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
