I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
