How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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