what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
People in love make me want to vomit
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
