11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
