She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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