I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Dignity is for republicans.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Randomize
