I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
