when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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