Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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