My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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