I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
