I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
