I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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