i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Randomize
