chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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