we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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