my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
