I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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