i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
