VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
