Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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