youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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