Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
