I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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