White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
