Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
