Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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