If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
