when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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