You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
