better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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