I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
