the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
