Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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