i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
