please come you make the beer taste better
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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