Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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