first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
tell me about the fingering
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
