i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
