I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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