How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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