Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
