i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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