I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
